haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]