when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
relationship goals
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓