Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.