BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Good boy 😂😂
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.