Good dog. ❤️
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
For the baby who has everything
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool