Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂