Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.