You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in