[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma