A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.