[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Are you ok, human???
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?