If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.