Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box