Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider