Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Woke up against my better judgment again
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
no their not
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer