*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Expect the unexporcupine.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Chicken bread
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT