A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m awake but I object,
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.