My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
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My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Sharon I have some bad news
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.