If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.