I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?