“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right