OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid