Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.