“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You Might Also Like
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer