A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.