CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
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her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”