Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.