Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Simple enough.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”