Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored