[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”