It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”