The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.