I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
what’s really going on
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.