TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
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WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.