Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”