I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese