A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Festive toon…
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*