“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…