Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster