if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]