Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, donβt bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I havenβt blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, βisnβt he good?ββ
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The house is clean, just donβt open any drawers or doors.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao itβs hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflΓ©
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I said it out loud and I canβt stop giggling lmao
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Them: omg, I havenβt seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: Iβll take apple.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Iβve been texting with βIslaβs momβ for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk