Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab