Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]