All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
🤣😂
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.