The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.