Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Lmao 🤣
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”