*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
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HEYYYY MACARENA