I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Just had my nails done!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”