I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.