it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN